The Magical Spoons
by Fluffy Kitsune
Summary: What...if Voldemort had a secret. What...if it was a MAGICAL secret. What...if it was a SPECIAL secret. What...if you probably stopped reading the summary by now. What...am I doing this for. Why...are you reading this.Gay Voldemort. That is all...
1. The Mint Lattes of Doom

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.

A/N: This was written by my friend and I. We came up with this idea all by ourselves. SO DO NOT SUE US! Freaks…

The Mint Lattes of Doom

One day, when Lord Voldemort was sitting in his den enjoying a cup of cocoa and reading that day's paper, he was struck with a stroke of brilliance. He would go to Starbucks; he had been really craving a mint latte. Lord Voldemort sighed. "I hate my skin. It's all scaly and my acne scars from my days of-shudder-Tom Riddle-are ridiculous. No makeup or even magic will cover it. And to make matters worse my favorite line of Mary Kay mascara has been canceled." With that outburst over, he picked up his gator skin purse and pink Razor phone, slipped on some 6 inch stilettos, and with a quick squirt of Chanel No.5, he flounced out the door.

"Give me. A mint latte. With whipped cream. NOW!!!" You see, our dear Voldy was quite upset at having to wait in line behind a bunch of _muggles _that were giving him odd looks. On top of that, when he reached the front of the line, he discovered that his cashier was none other then Hermione Granger. As he grabbed his latte and sat down at a deserted table, he happened to overhear that Granger girl calling out across the room. "I'll be right over Harry; my shifts almost done." The Dark Lord glared around the room, politely choosing to ignore the squeaks of terror emitted by the muggles. At last, he saw what he was looking for. _Harry Potter._ And he was holding…_a mint latte_.


	2. Scarring the Golden Trio: Voldy's Way

Chapter 2: Scarring the Golden Trio: Voldy's Way

A/N: You may notice that this story is rated T, but this is only for our safety because we're not sure on the content yet. That's all and enjoy Part 2 of The Magical Spoons.

He stalked across the room, landing in front of Harry Potter's table. He placed his hands on his hips and said, "What are you playing at, buying a Mint Latte! You bitch! How could you." Voldemort was near tears and hysterically slapped Harry across the face. Harry looked confused.

"It's just a latte. Come on."

"Just a latte! JUST A LATTE! JUST A LATTE!!!!!!!" Voldemort cried in a girly shriek, his voice raising an octave each time he spoke.

"Here, I'll let you mix in my creamer?" said the Boy-Who-Lived in a hopeful voice, hoping Voldemort's wrath about the latte would end. Voldemort looked even more disgusted, if that was even possible.

"Stir your latte? STIR YOUR LATTE!!!! WHY WOULD I STIR YOUR LATTE FOR YOU WHEN YOU CAN DO IT WITH YOUR OWN BLOODY WAND! All you ever do is try to hurt me with your _wand_, I hate you, I hate it, I hate every-" Suddenly, the Dark Lord stopped mid-sentence. "That's it. Your wand. Granger's wand. Weasley's wand, Dumbledore's wand, EVEN BLOODY MCGONAGOL'S WAND!!!!!! I WILL TAKE EVERYONE'S WAND. AND I WILL bloody break them in half." This outrage had left our dear Voldy winded. "Come, Nagini," the Dark Lord stated.

"Nagini?!" said Harry.

"Why yes, of course. I take her everywhere, isn't that obvious?"

"Then where is she?" said Harry.

"Where do you think? In my $300 gator skin purse, nestled nicely next to my red Mary Kay lipstick and my G-str-"

"TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!!" cried Harry, covering his eyes as if the image would go away.

"Whatever, you know you want it," said Voldemort. And as he walked out the door, gaily swinging his hips, he yelled "You know where to find me! Ta!"

And the Golden Trio was forever scarred.


	3. The Magical Stick Things

Chapter 3: The End of the Reign of the Magical Stick Things

Disclaimer: We don't own Care Bears….not that we would want to…

A/N: This is the third chapter of The Magical Spoons. You are probably wondering why this story is called this, but have no fear, we don't know either. Well, actually we do, but that's not the point. So, on to the story! Enjoy!

Voldemort had just reached his lair. Its usual depressing décor suddenly bothered him, as he had reached a new point of happiness in his life. He was going to do the impossible. He was going to steal and destroy all of the wands (a.k.a magical stick things) in the world. "But not before I change this hideous décor into something brilliant and frilly to my liking," Voldemort squealed delightedly. Just at that moment, Lucius happened to be walking through the chamber. He politely ignored his Lord, as these outbursts had been becoming more and more frequent lately.

"My Lord," said Lucius.

"Yes my dear Lucius?"

"Nothing my Lord," muttered Lucius as he quickly escorted himself out the door. I mean, what would you do if you saw the supposed most feared wizard in history wearing 6-inch stilettos and carrying a gator skin purse?

With a quick flick of his magical stick thing, Voldemort transformed the room into a room that would make even Care Bears jealous. The walls were a gastly shade of pink. The exact shade of a certain object that was currently in Voldy's purse that had scarred the Golden Trio.

"Like, OMG!" cried the Dark Lord. "This is the exact shade as, like, my G-str-"

Just at that moment, the phone rang. "Hello," stated Voldy in a flirtatious tone.

"TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!!" screamed Harry Potter. Then the phone went dead.

Voldy was confused. "Like, what the hell." No matter, nothing could dampen Voldy's mood at the moment. "I must start on my plan to steal and destroy all the magical stick things!!!"


	4. The Plan

Chapter 4: The Plan

A/N: GO RB ROYAL REGIMENT!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry….random spazz…..still we are an awesome band. Sorry it took so long to get this story out, deal with it.

Three days, two crying sessions, eleven temper tantrums, thirty dead muggles, twenty pencils, an entire trees' worth of paper, and 72 mint lattes later, Voldemort had a plan. No one knew how he had managed to write this plan so fast, when all the others had taken him at least a year to even create, let alone write on paper and put into action.

The Plan to Steal and Destroy All the Wands in the World

By Lord Voldemort

1) Milk

2) Eggs

3) Tomatoes

4) Onions

5) Bread

6) Butter

7) Ham

8) Turkey

9) Cheddar cheese

10) Bananas

Ahem….sorry wrong list……

Here's the real one:

The Plan to Steal and Destroy All the Wands in the World

By Lord Voldemort

1) Go to Victoria's Secret and buy new lingerie Buy supplies

2) Complete step one

3) Write step four

4) Build giant weapony-thingy out of supplies (see step one)

5) Use weapony-thingy to forcefully remove all wands

6) Rub it in Dumbledore's face

7) Rub it in Harry's face

8) Rub it in Granger's face

9) Rub it in all the Weasley's faces

10) Rub it in Lucius's face

11) Rub it in Nagini's 'face'

12) Figure out why Nagini lacks in the face department

13) Rub it in everyone else's face and assorted body parts (and yes, in case you're wondering that was a perverted comment…) who wasn't 'esteemed' (basically hated) enough to be put on this lovely list

14) Kill everyone except for all the sexy men

15) Leave to Mars in a rocket ship with all the sexy men, Nagini and a few of life's essentials (lipstick, pink razor phone, stilettos, gator skin purse…you know…all the necessities) since I have no life when I'm not killing people, and since I already killed everyone, I need new victims

"I suppose it is time to act out step one….buy supplies. Well, we all know there's only one place on this disgusting, muggle-filled earth to buy supplies….."

"HOME DEPOT!"


	5. Home Depot

Chapter 5: Home Depot: Where Every Orange Clad Associate Wants to Help

A/N: Sorry we haven't written in awhile but we were having writer's block. Well, actually, that's just a really lame excuse for being too lazy to write another chapter…but oh well, no one's paying attention…we hope…After much contemplation, we decided to name this chapter Home Depot: Where Every Orange Clad Associate Wants to Help. Well, actually, it was more like, two minutes…but, again no one's paying attention…Right? Right. So, onward.

As Voldemort stepped into the scary, overlit world of Home Depot, he braced himself for the hundreds of orange clad people who were bouncing with eagerness to help. Voldemort _hated_ help. And as expected, the second he stepped foot on the threshold, an overly bright, smiling, orange clad face said in a chipper voice, "How can I help you, sir?"

"Umm, I don't need…help…" Voldemort stated, voice shaking from repressed rage at the unwanted help.

"Nonsense. Everyone needs help," the overly cheerful voice rang out.

"No. I. Don't. Need. Help," said Voldemort as he shoved past the orange clad associate. "Damn these people and their helpfulness."

Voldemort took a few deep breaths as he gave himself inner pep talks about keeping his mood light and gay as he stalked through the infuriating store with its orange clad associates.

As Voldemort moved along into the lamp section, he cringed away from the neon light that was emitted. Just then, another orange clad associate walked up, eager to help.

"May I help you!!!" This was said in a voice that sounded worse than nails on a chalkboard.

Voldemort cringed away from the sound.

"Can I give you an aspirin, sir!!! You seem to be in a lot of pain!!!"

"You have no idea…" Voldemort grumbled under his breath.

"Excuse me!!!" The orange clad associate smiled even brighter if that was even possible, "I asked you a question!!!"

"No. GOD DAMNIT!!! I DON'T NEED AN ASPIRIN!!!"

The orange clad associate began to interject with the ever feared question, when Voldemort roared,

"AND NO!!! I DON'T NEED ANY GOD DAMN HELP!!!"

With unsuppressed fury radiating about him, our usually gay Voldy had reached a new level of anger.

Just as he was about to reach the garden section, another orange clad associate thrust himself upon him. (And yes, that was, once again, a perverted statement)

The fat orange clad lady associate with too much makeup and a horrendous botox job gasped out, obviously trying to be seductive though failing miserably, "How may I help you?"

Now, let's take this time to review the facts:

1. Our dear Voldy is GAY

2. He especially does not like it when other people have a horrendous botox job

3. Voldemort does not like orange

4. Voldemort HATES help 

So, as you can see, this was the last straw for our dear, dear Voldy. The fat, seductive lady had crossed the already thin line.

"You know what? I _could_ use some help," stated Voldemort in a sarcastic tone that the fat, orange clad associate did not pick up on. "Just sit…right there…for a moment or two…"

The poor, orange clad associate thought that Voldemort was going along with her crappy seductiveness and did exactly as told.

"Perfect," purred Voldemort as he pulled his magical stick thingy out of his back pocket.

"Mighty perty stick you got there," the orange clad associate said as she gave another failed attempt at being sexy.

"Why yes, yes it is," Voldemort whispered as he stared at the wand, seemingly lost in thought.

Suddenly all of his pent up rage exploded from his body in one tremendous blow.

"AVADA KEDAVRA!!!!!!"

All of Home Depot seemed to explode in green light. Then suddenly, the blast was over.

Voldemort looked around at all of the dead people and thought for a moment.

"Well," he said to himself out loud. "At least I don't have to pay."

And with that outburst over, our Voldy was back to his gay, funloving self, (and yes, that was yet _another_ perverted statement).


	6. Harry esta Enamorado de un Serpiente

Chapter 6: Harry esta (accent on a…) Enamorado de un Serpiente

Translation: Harry is in love with a snake.

KeyKeeper12: Thank you very much for the correction. .

A/N: Well…here you go.

Harry needed to buy things. Not exactly a hard task. Only one thing stood in his way. The Diagon Alley Knitting Circle for Really Old Witches and Wizard (only one). They were everywhere, what with their scary balls of yarn and motor scooters to help them get around, there was just no way that Harry could muster up enough courage to enter Diagon Alley. So Harry settled for the next best thing: Home Depot.

As he arrived at the threshold that was Home Depot, he was filled with a terrible feeling in his stomach…no wait, that was just gas from eating Hermione's 'burritos'. He walked inside. There, strewn haphazardly over everything, were bodies of irritating, orange-clad associates. Their helping days would be no more. Harry pulled out his wand and pointed it at the nearest orange-clad associate. "Howudieeth." Suddenly, green words appeared across the woman's forehead. 'Too seductive to Voldemort.' "Interesting," said Harry, shuddering at the mental image that appeared in his mind. "Oh well." Harry got his supplies for school and other assorted items and exited the building.

"WHAT TOOK YOU SO BLOODY LONG!!!" The yell came from an irate Ron Weasley. "She's gonna kill me man, what with those damn 'burritos'."

"All right, all right," said Harry, his voice low and secretive. He handed Ron a box of microwave burritos and some Diet Coke and quickly walked away.

"WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG!!!" This time the scream came from Hermione. "You could have been killed by knitting needles or run over by motor scooters. You know how scary those women and man can be."

"Well…ummm….I didn't go to Diagon Alley…I went to Home Depot…"

"Well, you still shouldn't have taken so long."

"I know. There was just a bunch of dead people, and no one was offering to help me, so I got all flustered and confused and I started freaking out and running in circles until I knocked myself out by tripping over a dead lady. Apparently, she was too seductive to Voldemort so he killed everyone."

"YOU-KNOW-WHO WAS THERE AND YOU LEFT!!!"

"He wasn't there when I was there. He had already left." Harry said this in a dejected voice.

"YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, HARRY!!! WHY DIDN'T YOU COME AND GET US?!?!?!?!"

"Well…I didn't want to get Voldemort in trouble…"

"AND WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO GET VOLDEMORT IN TROUBLE, HARRY?! HE'S A MASS MURDERER, NOT TO MENTION YOUR ARCHENEMY!!!"

"I didn't mean anything by it…but he would be mean to Nagini if he was mad…"

"AND WHY WOULD YOU CARE IF HE WAS MEAN TO NAGINI?!?!?!"

"Animal…cruelty…?"

Ron Weasley's eyes suddenly widened in realization. "OH MY FREAKING GOD! YOU DITCHED MY SISTER FOR A BLOODY SNAKE?!?!?!?!?!"


	7. The Totally Unrelated Subplot

A/N: We may not have updated in a while, but we assure you, that our underpants are still under our pants. So this is the 7th chapter. Enjoy.

Chapter 7: The Totally Unrelated Sub-plot within the Sub-plot Where the Truth is Revealed and Everyone is Mortally Disturbed

Welcome to chapter 7, the totally unrelated sub-plot within the sub-plot where the truth is revealed and everyone is mortally disturbed. This chapter deals with our emotionally demented Luci. Now you see, Luci was born into a family who only wanted little boys, for reasons we shall not reveal. Poor Luci was a girl. Filled with the hatred and unwanting of her family, she quickly invested in some life changing plastic surgery that would change her life forever. Duh. Anyways, now our story shall commence.

Lucius was writing in his diary:

"Oh how I love him. His black greasy hair gracelessly falls down to his shoulders in straight, grimy chunks. His eyes, they are so cold that I tremble in fright when he gazes at me. Oh, and his sharp ski jump like nose that reminds me of where I go on holiday during Christmas. What a hunk of man, that Severus Snape is."

Then Voldy walked into the room. "Hello, my dear-umm. I mean-umm-ehh-luci-ehh-voldy-LUCIUS! Yes, that's what I mean. Lucius. I'm not totally flustered in your presence. Not at all. YOU SHOULD BE THE ONE FLUSTERED! WHY ARE YOU NOT FLUSTERING! FLUSTER! FLUSTER, I TELL YOU! FLUSTER!!"

Scared out of his wits, Lucius stood in shock. Cue flustering

Later

It was a meeting to be remembered. All the devious minds of the magical world were there. However, this was not why it was remembered. It was remembered because of a said outburst from a said person at a said meeting at a said time at a said place on a said day in a said week in a said month in a said year in a said decade in a said century on a said planet in a said solar system in a said galaxy in a said universe. Said.

All was going well. It was Sev's turn to talk. "I believe this world is in need of a new leader. A leader who is willing to do whatever it takes. A leader so majestic, so magical, so powerful, that it takes everyone's breath away. Someone like-HARRY POTTER! I mean…uhh-ehh-umm-WHAT'S YOUR NAME!" Oddly enough, he was pointing at Voldemort.

"Umm…Voldemort. Duh."

"Yes, Voldemort. A leader like Voldemort." Voldemort just shrugged. He was used to people getting flustered around him. Especially Lucius. Ahhh, Lucius. And with that, the meeting commenced as planned. Sort of.

Severus was muttering to himself. "Thank Merlin. I was beginning to think that for a while everyone was going to find out that I am in love with Harry Potter."

Suddenly, the room was silent. "Damnit… Did I say that out loud?" And with that, all chaos ensued. So much chaos in fact that no one noticed a green snake slither out of the room, down the hall, and out the door.

Ron was sitting at his desk when he heard something outside the door. "Did you hear something?" he asked Harry.

"No. Stop freaking yourself out."

Ron went back to work. Suddenly he heard the noise again. "I swear, mate. There's something outside that door." And with that, he strode quickly to the door and was about to open it when he froze. "You sure it's nothing dangerous Harry?"

"Oh good Lord." Harry strode across the room, shoved Ron out the way, and forced open the door. "See, nothing there. Oh…wait...nope, there's a snake….hmmm….probably Nagini….hmmm….yep, most definitely Nagini."

"So if the snake of the Dark Lord is right outside the door, then why aren't we running in terror?"

"Well, it's not like the Dark Lord knows she's here or anything."

"So! She's still evil and malicious!!"

"Well, yes. I suppose you could say that, but at the moment, she's not evil OR malicious."

"Well, then what the hell is she…a fairy princess?!" exclaimed Ron.

"No, it's better then that…she's in love." Harry looked at Ron dejectedly.

"Well, that's great for you I suppose," said Ron, suddenly uncomfortable.

"No it's not. It's bloody terrible," cried Harry.

"Why not? I thought you, well, loved her…."

"She doesn't love meeeeeeee…she loves you," whined Harry immaturely.

"Eeewwwwwww. That's so gross. Besides, I'm as straight as a circle."

Harry blinked in confusion. "What do you mean by that, mate?"

"I mean that…that…I'm gay."

"Oh well…in that case…YOU DON'T LOVE ME DO YOU? BECAUSE IF YOU DO THEN I-"

"Gross…of course I don't…no offense or anything, but you aren't exactly my cup of tea. I prefer someone taller,"

"No," moaned Harry.

"Paler," described Ron.

"Noooooo."

"And a lot less…you know…do-gooder-ish."

"NOOOOOOOOO!!" screamed Harry.

"Yup…I love Voldemort."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," Harry took a breath, "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Recap

Voldy loves Luci who loves Sev who loves Harry who loves Nagini who loves Ron who loves Voldy. A heptagon of love.


	8. Snape's Sex Drive

Chapter 8: The Return of the Depot and Snape's Sex Drive

A/N: This chapter is going to continue to be rated teen, however it's SIGNIFIGANTLY more disturbing and, obviously as you can all read the title, more sexual.

After getting over each others newest flames, the Golden Trio returned to their typical routine: plotting against their favorite arch enemy, Voldemort. Days went by, but no one could come up with any ideas that the others liked. Ron kept suggesting that they take jobs at Home Depot, but the others continued to dismiss it. After two weeks the entire group was incredibly restless: so out of desperation, they went with Ron's idea.

***

Sufficiently clad in Home Depot orange, Harry, Ron, and Hermione were ready to conquer the home supply store empire. Harry was working in the home garden section, Ron was working lighting, and Hermione was working at the register. Days went by with no information on Voldemort's latest scheme. One day though, their luck changed. Two hideously dressed men entered the lighting section and, as directed by the buttons and the back of the smock Ron was wearing, asked him for help, though Ron was entirely unknowledgeable in the field.

"Can you help us?" said one of the disturbingly dressed men. Ron, who was so taken aback by their outlandish clothing, took a minute to answer.

"Oh greattttt, we picked the stupidest employee in the whole store didn't we, MacNair?" the other man said in a malicious tone.

"Oh…uh, my bad." said Ron. Ron was still too focused on their clothing to be of any help at all, so the two men walked away to find another, more suitable orange clad associate. As they walked, they could be heard mumbling about returning to their master's headquarters. Maybe it was the lavender colored robes with hot pink fringe that had made Ron not pick up on any of the _subtle_ hints. Or perhaps it was the mauve miniskirts and the taupe halter tops that the two men wore underneath. Or maybe the six inch stilettos had him stumped. Either way, Ron's stupidity had been brought to a whole new level.

Ron decided that it was time to take a break, so he decided to head up to the register Hermione was running.

"Anything new with your day, Ron?" Hermione asked, her tone bored as it had been ever since they began working at Home Depot.

"Not really. Well there were these two men who came and asked me for help ('What ELSE would they ask you,' interjected Hermione) who were wearing the most disturbing clothes I have EVER seen: like, purple robes, pinkish miniskirts, bright pink fringe, and like, brown halter tops. Even six-inch shoes! My eyes are still bleeding. Whatever, that MacNair and the other bloke left before I could help them. Freaks…"

"MACNAIR?!" Hermione's eyes went wide in shock.

"Yah. I mean, that's what the other guy called him anyway. Don't get so worked up about it," Ron said, aggravated with Hermione for her tendency to overreact to things.

"RON! MacNair is a name of a death eater. Did you hear them say anything about the dark lord? Oh god, what if they find Harry. Quick, let's go get him. You can fill me in on what you heard on the way," Hermione gasped out as she began to run towards the home garden section, Ron following quickly behind.

"Well, I think I heard them say something about returning to their master's headquarters in Dublin…" Ron said, trying to remember.

"How could you think that this was unimportant? Now we know their location. You were this close to letting it slip through the cracks!" screamed Hermione, ever pissed off at Ronald's stupidity.

"Well, how was I supposed to know?!?!?! They were wearing miniskirts, Hermione. MINISKIRTS!" Ron screamed back.

"Well, I don't know about why that was, but either way we need to go check this out. HARRY!" she screamed as she laid eyes on him discussing the pros of terracotta pots over plastic with a short, fat man with a goatee.

"Hold on," Harry said as he turned back to the man. Ron and Hermione waited impatiently until he was done and then quickly filled him in. The group decided the best plan of action would be to return to the house, pack up their things, and journey to Ireland to scope out Voldemort's newest residence.

***

"This is 1247 Delilah Court. Home of the infamous Dark Lord," read out the GPS System. (Like OMG! Harry Potter can drive??)

"This can't be the correct address Harry…I mean it has circular windows with curtains and flower beds, it has a vegetable garden with an orange tree and sunflowers, it has a cobblestone path, it even has a WHITE PICKET FENCE!" said Hermione.

"Bloody Hell, Hermione! PMS much?" exclaimed Ronald.

"Ronald Weasley! How dare you even insinuate such a sexist remark! I thought you knew better! Even if it IS true!" Hermione's eyes flared as she berated the redhead.

"Guys…" Harry looked between the two in fear. He was afraid that if he interrupted them then he would be caught in the midst of the crossfire.

"What do you want Harry? Can't you see that we're in the middle of an intense conversation?" Hermione ground out looking murderous.

"Ah…I'm sorry to interrupt? However…Lucius has just come out of the house wearing nothing but a pink apron and carrying a watering can." Harry managed to stutter out flushing a bright red.

The golden trio had the unfortunate pleasure to see Voldy's right hand man turn around and bend over in order to water the sunflowers and daisies in the front yard. They all cringed and turned away even more mentally scarred than when Voldy had spoken to them about his g-string.

When Lucius had went back inside the house, the trio made their way around the house's perimeter to scope out the place. They managed to find out that there were wards surrounding the house that protecting the inhabitants, prevented apparition, and stopped the use of identity potions among other things.

They decided to go back to their hotel room to decide their next plan of action. Two went by with no success in the plan department. Harry began to go through anxiety issues from being away from the one he loves for too long. He planned to sneak out that night and visit her…

***

Night finally arrived and Harry could be found attempting to sneak past Hermione's watchful eyes and out of the house. After about an hour and a half he succeeded. He hopped on his broom and proceeded to make his way towards 1247 Delilah Court. He arrived at 1247 Delilah Court. He slowly walked up the cobblestone pathway of 1247 Delilah Court. He stepped onto the welcome mat of 1247 Delilah Court. He raised his hand and slowly curled it into a fist to knock on the gorgeous wood door with intricate white markings of 1247 Delilah Court. By the way, 1247 Delilah Court was next to 1245 Delilah Court. Which was next to 1243 Delilah Court. And next door was a cream colored house with words in brass that stated 1241 Delilah Court. And if you were lucky enough to cross the street, you'd find yourself at 1242 Delilah Court, which was next to 1244 Delilah Court. Which just happened to be to the right of 1246 Delilah Court. And if you decided on a whim to cross the street again, you'd reach 1247 Delilah Court, where Severus was just opening the door for poor, unsuspecting Harry.

"Is Nagini available?" Harry looked around nervously.

"Umm…Yes," Severus smirked, sensing an opportunity, "If you'll just follow me upstairs." Sev turned around and started up the started up the stairs. Harry smiled happily and skipped after him. Sev led him to the last doorway on the third floor. As soon as the boy-who-lived stepped into the room, Snape slammed the door and locked it with a flick of his wand.

"Umm…Where's Nagini?" Harry glanced at Severus with concern.

"You won't be needing Nagini tonight Harry. I've got everything you need, and more, babe." Snape walked over to the bedside table and pulled out pink furry handcuffs, a whip, and some whipped cream. Harry screamed like a little girl and started to pound on the door in extreme fear. Snape ripped off his shirt and revealed a totally ripped body, which was a complete shock. Severus then proceeded to storm over to Harry and tore his shirt to shreds, revealing a completely toned body.

"Next comes your pants, sweet thing," Snape smiled pedophically and began to caress Harry in inappropriate places. He dropped down to his knees and began to slowly unzip Harry's trousers. Harry let out a small squeal. Snape opened his mouth as Harry moaned in pleasure…

***

Harry awoke to the sound of birds singing, the sun warm on his back. "What a perfect day," he mumbled, "Nothing could ruin it…" But then he rolled over and saw a pale head, covered in greasy black hair, sleeping peacefully.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Just at that moment, Nagini slithered in, getting an eyeful of the naked Harry and Snape. She hissed in displeasure and slithered away.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," cried Harry in agony, "Come back my love."


End file.
